Gotta Get over it

Summer of '83

2005-05-16T01:40:00.000-07:00

The summer after kindergarten and my life had already changed so drastically. My moms boyfriend had moved in with us.
We went to the beach that summer. It was fun at first.....
Several nights into the vacation Jim had been drinking. This wasn't new he drank a lot. But this night my mom and him got into an argument. I can remember sitting on the couch with all the other kids watching Star Search when my mom and Jim came in from outside. Again I don't remember what they were saying other than a lot of curse words and then a beer bottle was thrown across the room and shattered on the wall, glass flew every where. My sisters grabbed me and we went outside. I was scared very scared more than I had ever been before. Even outside we could hear the yelling and the screaming. When the yelling finely stopped we went back into the house to find my mom on the sofa with a bloody lip and cuts on her hand. My sisters ran to my mom getting her rags and ice. They were 11 and 13 too young to be doing this. I stood there at the sliding glass door staring at my mom in fear for what seemend like forever or atleast until she called me over to her to tell me she was fine and to go brush my teeth and get ready for bed because we had along day at the beach ahead of us. I was confused, scared, did JIM do this to her? Where was Jim? He had left. Only to come back a few hours later. The next day was disturbing. My mom and Jim acted as if nothing happened the night before. No explanation to us kids. They just pretended as if it had never happened. That confused me even more. I wanted to know what happened but never gathered up enough courage to say anything. Was this normal? Did my dad ever act this way with my mom? Will this happen again? I had a lot of questions but no answers. I wished my dad and Joyce were there.
For a few weeks after that night Jim was especially nice and good to my mom and truthfully the rest of us too. But unfortunately I learned too young that there is always a calm before a storm.

Starting Kindergarten.....And the extended "family"

2005-05-16T01:00:00.000-07:00

In the fall of 82 I started kindergarten. I don't think I was ever as excited as I was that day. I still remember what I wore my first day. A pink, baby blue and white short sleeve shirt with pink ribbons on the sleeves and a pink jean skirt and white tennis shoes. My mom put my hair in piggy tails with pink and blue ribbons tied on each. I was so excited with my Sylvester and tweety back pack and my Shera lunch box, I wanted He-man but my sister said I would get made fun of. I was so excited getting on the bus that day as I looked back at mom I could see a tear in her eye. It wasn't until I was an adult with children of my own that I understood why she would cry. It was a huge day for me. I was in the "blue jays" group. I wish I could remember my teachers name. That day I went home so excited to tell everyone about all of it, who I rode next to on the bus, who sat next to me at school, what I learned that day, hell....Everything! And now I realize how sad it was that I had to tell my dad everything over the phone.
Later that school year my mom told us that Jim was going to be moving in with us at the end of the summer . WHAAAAAAAAT???? No how could this be? I mean yea he was a nice guy but I already had a dad and I didn't want this man thinking he could replace my dad. If my dad couldn't be there for the everyday things I certainly didn't want some other guy there. But my mom loved him. The only one of us kids that actually verbalized are opinions on this intrusion was my teenage brother. He was a Jr in high school and already had a ton of issues with my mom. They fought alot, and it got bad sometimes. He also fought alot with my sisters, bloody noses black eyes and dong just plain mean things to them. I suppose I was to young to torture. In the summer of 83 my brother moved in with my dad for the summer. My mom said to us girls that he was moving in with him for the summer so he could work at a restaurant near my dads. We knew better. We knew he wanted to spend as little time around Jim as possible. That summer the real Jim came out, or atleast out to us kids.

Summer of '82 part 2

2005-05-16T00:09:00.000-07:00

It was also this summer my mom hired Joyce our new housekeeper/nanny. A heavy set mid 30's black woman. We loved her. She was the only person my mom said she could trust with her kids, the house, and all of her belongings. I spent the most time with her since I was the youngest and needed the most care. My mom started to work a lot around this time. It wasn't until I was older that my mom told me more about her. Her Husband and son were killed in a horrible car accident only months before she started working for us, her daughter was 13 or 14 and that was all she had. She didn't work when her husband was alive she was a housewife, and very good at it I suspect. She didn't have office skills or higher education. Since she was out of high school she tended to her family that was her skill. So my mom being a single mom now needed the help, she couldn't do all the cleaning and cooking and tending to her 4 kids like she had before she needed to work...a lot. Working for my mom gave Joyce the chance to do what she had done for years and get paid for it so she could provide for her and her daughter. And unlike any other job she would find she had the freedom to come and go as she pleased so long as she took me with her. She didn't have to take days off to take take her mother or daughter to the doctors she could just go. She could do grocery shopping for my mom and hers at the same time. She had gone back to school at night so she could study during the day. And her and my mom got along famously. It was great 2 single moms helping each other with there strengths.
Joyce taught me how to "mop" a carpet. Warm water in a bucket with carpet cleaner take a clean broom dip it in the water and then sweep the carpet. I always helped her, it was fun. She would tie a bandanna in my hair and we would dust, clean windows sing and she would tell me stories from when she was little. She would tell me all about her night school. What she wanted to do with her degree when she was done.
I miss her.

Summer of "82

2005-05-15T08:14:00.000-07:00

The summer time. Something that all kids starting counting the days down from the first day back to school. I loved the summer! Lazy days at the pool hanging out with older siblings. The ice cream man and that "incredible" song that had the capability to draw every kid out on the street begging for that after dinner treat.
For the most part me and my sisters and brother would wake up each day grab breakfast our towels, swimsuits and a few bucks from mom and ride our bikes to the pool. We would stay there all day! Swimming laying out in the sun playing on the playground. While we were there I was able to forget my parents were divorced, we were able to just have fun with out any of the stresses at home. We would head home when it was time for dinner. Dinner....My mom had the amazing ability to take a bunch of random food put it all together and bam we had a gourmet meal. Always good and ALWAYS good for us. No sugary snacks, no processed foods, just fresh good for you food. Summer nights were the best! We would go out in the back yard and catch lightning bugs, throw rocks at bats (never said we were very smart), play grave yard tag. Then bath and off to bed to do it all over again the next day. Except on the weekend we would go to dads. Weekends at my dads were the typical "weekend at dads" deal. He would pick us up on Friday and we would usually go to the movies. Saturdays in the summer we spent the whole day out on his boat just the 5 of us. It was fun. In the evenings we usually went to the pool at his apartment after that us and the other kids in the building would play tag in the hallways of the apartment building until finely someone would complain. Sundays we would spend at the pool or going downtown where my dad always bought us ice cream and a special treat. The guilt he must have felt not being with us everyday, the sadness he must have felt dropping us back off to our mom, knowing he wouldn't see us for 2 more weeks only phone calls for almost 14 days.
It was this summer that I finanly realized who Jim was. He was my mothers boyfriend. We had been out to dinner with him a few times gone to some BBQ's but that was really it. This summer he was around much more. I didn't really know how I felt about this. He had 2 kids from a previous marriage and it was this summer that he started bringing them over to play at our house they were 2 and 3 years older than me. I liked them, I liked all kids. BUT.. I didn't like how my mom was when they were around. She would make a big fuss about dinner and tried I guess in some weird way to make them like her. I didn't understand this, why she would act this way but like every 4 year old I couldn't ask questions b/c I didn't even know how to explain how I was feeling. I would just get more possessive. Made sure to let these 2 kids know that she was my MOMMY her lap was for me to lay my head in while we watched TV her hand was designed to have my little hand in it! Not their's!

My Earliest Memory

2005-05-14T16:17:00.000-07:00

As I sat on the bottom of the steps my dad at the front door my mom a few steps above me I turned my head back and forth between the 2 of them as if I was watching a tennis match. I don't remember what they were saying I only remember the yelling, well actually screaming. I can remember a feeling of blankness almost like my heart and mind were just frozen, too much I suppose for a 4 year old to handle. I didn't cry. Only watched. When my dad left my mom went to her room. I went to my spot the spot that even to this day I can find comfort in. You know how at certain times of the day the mid spring sun shines thru a window making a warm cozy little spot. That was my spot, my safety zone, my dreamland. I would lay there for hours if I could, until the sun blanket disappeared. Day dreaming of whatever it is little girls dream about. A better, happier, more "normal" life I suppose.
No one else I knew had divorced parents. Most of them didn't even know what that meant. And even when I would tell them they still didn't get it. How was any child supposed to understand the concept of the 2 people who supposedly made you out of love just no longer love each other anymore? Lucky for me I had older siblings. They were able to explain things to me things my mom and dad just couldn't or maybe it was they wouldn't. I have no idea what life was like before the divorce. I have no memories of my dad coming home from work and the 6 of us eating dinner. I have no memories of seeing my mom and dad sharing any type of warm loving embrace. No memories of seeing my mom open gifts or receive flowers from my dad. Not a memory of them doing anything together except fighting. In some ways I think that is sad. I have no real mental proof that my parents had a 13 year marriage. On the other hand because of the lack of memories I didn't have the "remember when" good times to be sad that we didn't have anymore.

Where to begin.

2005-05-13T17:30:00.000-07:00

My life hasn't been terrible but it hasn't been easy. This blog will Journal the life of a 20 something gal from my childhood to the present. I will go thru my journey of a broken home, domestic abuse, alcoholism, drugs, teen pregnancy, high school dropout, and more. I will post chronologically from my childhood on up. Enjoy and please comment will be keeping my identity a secrete as I have never told anyone many things I will be writing about and would like to keep it that way but I feel I need an outlet a type of therapy if you will!